Why Does My Child Hit Me? Understanding and Managing Aggression

Children often express big emotions in ways that are challenging for parents to handle. One of the most difficult behaviors to navigate is physical aggression, such as a child hitting their parents. 

If your child has started hitting you or others, it’s natural to feel frustrated, confused, or even scared. But understanding the root causes of aggression in children—and knowing how to manage it—can help you support your child and reduce these behaviors over time.

Why Do Children Hit?

Children, particularly in their early developmental years, often lack the neurological capacity to regulate their emotions. The brain regions responsible for emotional processing and threat detection (the brainstem and limbic system) develop earlier than the prefrontal cortex, which is the area responsible for self-regulation and higher-level thinking. Chronic stress can also induce alterations in prefrontal cortex (PFC) circuitry and impede emotional regulation. As a result, children are more likely to respond to overwhelming emotions through physical actions like hitting, biting, or kicking.

A child’s nervous system is wired to react quickly to perceived threats, even when those threats might seem minor to an adult. These feelings trigger their fight-or-flight response, and they often express this through aggressive behaviors.

Some triggers may include the following: 

• Sensory or emotional overwhelm (e.g., feeling overstimulated, anxious, or frustrated)

• Hunger or fatigue
• Being off routine (e.g., skipping nap time or an overscheduled day)
• Frustration from unmet desires (e.g., being told "no" or not getting what they want)
• Seeking attention or control
• Social challenges (e.g., unfamiliar situations or peer interactions)

Additionally, many children are still learning how to manage intense feelings like anger, disappointment, or fear. In moments of overwhelm, a child may feel completely out of control, which can manifest as hitting or other aggressive behaviors. Keep in mind that these actions are often a form of emotional regulation, not an intentional attempt to hurt others.

Understanding the triggers behind your child's aggressive behavior is crucial in managing and responding effectively. 

What Do You Do When a Child Doesn't Stop Hitting?

When a child hits, the first step is to remain calm. Your child’s aggression is a sign that they are overwhelmed and unable to self-regulate. Responding with anger or frustration will only escalate the situation. Instead, use the following strategies:

Immediate Steps

1. Ensure safety: Move yourself or others out of harm’s way if needed. Create physical distance between yourself and your child, using cushions or pillows to block their movements.
2. Use calming language: Speak in a calm, reassuring voice. Remind your child that they are safe, and say things like, “I can see you’re upset. Let’s calm down together.” This can be further explored in therapy, such as strategies to utilize for grounding—including music, art or sensory tools. 
3. Redirect their attention: Offer an alternative, such as hitting a drum, doing jumping jacks, or squeezing a stress ball to release their emotions in a safe, non-harmful way.

Long-Term Steps

In the long run, helping your child develop emotional regulation skills is key. You can:

• Model emotional regulation: Show your child how to express emotions calmly, even when feeling frustrated or angry.
• Teach coping strategies: Help your child identify feelings and find healthier ways to cope with them, like using words instead of hitting.
• Set clear boundaries: Establish consistent rules and consequences for aggressive behavior, such as “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit.”

Regularly practicing these strategies will help your child build emotional resilience and find better ways to express their emotions.

Tips for Parents

Dealing with a child who hits their parents can be overwhelming. But if it’s child doing the hitting and you’re on the receiving end, there are several things you can do to help:

1. Stay patient: Remember that your child is learning to manage emotions. It takes time, and setbacks are part of the process.
2. Be consistent: Set clear expectations about what behaviors are acceptable and follow through with consequences. Consistency helps children feel secure.
3. Validate their feelings: Acknowledge your child’s emotions before jumping into solutions. Note- be careful to validate their emotions, without validating the behavior of hitting.For example, “I understand you’re angry because you didn’t get what you wanted. Hitting is not OK. Let’s take deep breaths together instead.” 
4. Encourage positive behaviors: Reinforce the use of appropriate coping mechanisms. Praise your child when they express emotions in a calm and constructive way.

When Should You Seek Professional Help?

If your child’s aggression continues or worsens, it may be a sign of underlying issues such as trauma, emotional regulation difficulties, or other developmental concerns. In cases where the aggression is severe or persistent, or if you notice that your child’s emotional struggles are impacting their ability to function at school or in social situations, seeking help from a mental health professional may be beneficial.

Therapists can work with both you and your child to address the root causes of the aggression and provide tailored strategies for managing behavior.

Next Steps

Understanding that your child’s aggression is a response to their emotional needs rather than a deliberate attempt to cause harm can help shift your perspective as a parent. By staying patient, consistent, and proactive in teaching emotional regulation, you’ll empower your child to develop healthier ways of dealing with intense feelings.

If you’re struggling to manage your child’s aggressive behavior or if you have concerns about their emotional development, consider scheduling a free consultation with one of our licensed Handspring therapists today. Our professionals are here to guide you through managing challenging behaviors and supporting your child’s emotional growth.