Reconnecting with Your Teenager When You Feel Like They “Hate” You: A Parent’s Guide

Why Do Teenagers Say They Hate Their Parents? 

During the teenage years, it is common for children to lash out at their parents. From peer pressure to differing attitudes from their parents to trying to establish themselves as up-and-coming adults, there are many reasons teens may seem to act like they hate their parents. Here, we help you understand what is happening during this tumultuous time in your child's life and how to manage it. 

Understanding Why Your Teenager Feels Distant

Parents of teens often say their teenager feels distant. This distance can stem from many reasons, from fluctuating hormones to emerging independence. 

Common Reasons Teens Reject Their Parents

Teenagers may seem to reject their parents for many reasons, such as: 

• Experiencing parental conflict.
• Succumbing to peer pressure.
• Desiring greater independence.
• Feeling they lack emotional support.
• Preparing to leave home.

Emotional Changes During the Teenage Years

Teenagers experience numerous changes, such as hormonal changes, a desire and need for independence, and a desire to set up a separate identity from their parents. All of these normal aspects of the teenage experience can cause emotional changes. 

Unfortunately, they can bring feelings of frustration toward their parents. Those negative feelings, while common, can be worsened when teens feel they need more independence or understanding.

Recognizing Your Teen's Feelings and Perspectives

Spending time listening to your teenager's feelings and perspectives on life is one of the best ways to get to know them. Showing an interest in their interests is an excellent first step. Finding common ground in an interest or activity can build a bridge to communication so that you can begin to discuss their feelings and views in a less pressured setting. Then, you can improve communication and begin understanding your teenager. 

Improving Communication Skills with Your Teen

If your teen seems distant, try to bridge the gap by improving your communication skills with your teen. Here are some tips on how to do so.

Active Listening Techniques

Active listening is an effective communication technique that involves the following:

• Making eye contact: Look your child in the eye when they talk and avoid distractions like using your phone or watching TV when you communicate with them.
• Allowing your teen to talk without interrupting: Instead of thinking about what you want to say next, listen to your teen so that you really hear what they are saying.
• Show interest in what your teen has to say: Acknowledge that you are listening by nodding or saying things like, "I see," or "I understand how that can be challenging."

Encouraging Open and Honest Dialogue

As tempting as it may be to interject and tell your child what you think or share your "better" idea about their thoughts or plans with them, refrain. The more you listen and keep your emotions in check, the more likely your child is to openly share their feelings. 

Avoiding Common Communication Pitfalls

As a parent, it is natural for you to want to solve your child's problems or give them advice on every situation. However, teens do not always want or need that as they move into adulthood. When speaking to your teen:

• Avoid interrupting them to share your immediate opinions.
• Remain judgment-free.
• Prevent distractions like phones ringing, TV, or other disturbances that steal your attention.
• Limit your problem-solving and focus on listening and validating instead

Building a Stronger Relationship with Your Teen

The following tips can help you build a stronger relationship with your teen.

Spending Quality Time Together

Teens typically pull away from their parents and family and favor spending more time with their friends. To stay connected with your teenager, try to plan family time so you can still enjoy positive experiences together. 

Try activities like:

• Eating dinner as a family.
• Taking walks together.
• Going to the gym together. 
• Cooking meals together.
• Engaging in a shared hobby or interest.

The key is focusing on quality time without pressuring your child for information. 

Showing Interest in Their Hobbies and Interests

By taking an active interest in your teenager's hobbies and interests, you show them you care about them and their interests. Showing your interest in your teen’s interests goes a long way in connecting with them and encouraging open lines of positive communication.

Respecting Their Growing Need for Independence

Respecting your teen's growing need for independence doesn't mean you step back and watch them throw caution to the wind while keeping quiet. On the contrary, parents can respect a child's need for independence by cultivating a solid relationship with the child. Engage in family activities, express interest in your teen's hobbies, and cultivate a positive, open line of communication with them. Doing so fosters a healthy parent-child relationship while allowing the child to feel more accessible and open up to you as they learn to be more independent. 

Strategies for Parents of Teens Who Feel Rejected

When you feel rejected by your teen, it is helpful to keep your emotions in check, recognize that this is a common experience, set clear boundaries for your child, and foster a positive home environment.

Managing Your Own Emotions When Your Teen Hates You

If you feel your teen hates you, realizing this is a typical phase of teenage development is essential. It is not a reflection of you as a parent. Remember to give yourself a break, practice self-reflection, and seek support from others when needed. At the same time, try to keep the lines of communication open with your teen.

Setting Healthy Boundaries and Expectations

While giving your teenage child some independence is essential, setting healthy boundaries and expectations is equally important. Even in difficult and frustrating times, you can express your expectation that they must respect you as their parent.  

Fostering a Positive Home Environment

Respect is essential for fostering a positive home environment, open communication, quality time together, flexibility, and adaptability. Showing all family members respect and appreciation establishes that as a family expectation. Children pay attention to what parents do, so when parents take the lead in that department, children will likely follow suit.

When to Seek Professional Help

Unfortunately, there are times when you cannot manage matters with your teenager alone. It’s OK to seek help from a trained professional with expertise in helping you and your child improve communication and strengthen family relationships.

Signs That a Mental Health Professional May Be Needed

If you see the following signs in your teen, it could mean you need professional mental health:

• Violence.
• Extreme anger.
• Alcohol or drug use.
• Withdrawal from family and friends.
• Mood swings.
• Sudden or unusual academic struggles.
• Extreme rebellion.
• Risk-taking behavior.
• Personality changes.

How Therapy Can Improve Family Relationships

Therapy won’t just benefit your teen. It can also improve relationships with everyone else in the family. Here are some examples of how:

• Helping provide a safe space for everyone to express their emotions.
• Providing tools family members can use to cope with complicated feelings.
• Showing family members how to improve their communication skills
• Fostering self-awareness to improve behavior and strengthen relationships with family members.

Supporting Your Teen's Mental Health

Parents also play a role in supporting their teens’ mental health. Here are a few ways:

• Establish and keep consistency and healthy routines at home.
• Create a safe space for open communication.
• Engage in quality time as a family.
• Encourage independence with structure and boundaries.
• Exercise mutual respect for all family members.
• Support healthy habits and choices.

Tips for Understanding Your Teen

Sometimes, parents can forget what it is like to be a teenager. The following tips can help you understand your teen better.

Recognizing the Impact of Hormonal Changes

Hormonal changes during the teen years significantly affect teens, from their emotions to moods and beyond. Teens may experience mood swings, increased sensitivity, irritability, anxiety, or difficulty regulating their emotions. You may notice significant changes in your teenager's behavior. In addition to affecting a teen's emotions, hormonal fluctuations cause physical changes like acne and growth spurts that can also impact a teenager.

Empathizing with Their Stress and Pressures

Being a teenager is stressful. Navigating pressures to be a good student, dating, being accepted socially, and figuring out who you are and where you fit in the world can be overwhelming. It is crucial to empathize with your teen's desire to assert control in a scary time rather than attempting to fight back or overpower it. Be honest with your child and tell them that even as an adult, you experience stress and pressures that sometimes make you feel anxious and uncertain.

Encouraging Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Healthy coping mechanisms can help your child handle the stress and pressures in their life. Encourage the following mechanisms:

• Openly discuss emotions.
• Model positive coping strategies.
• Provide opportunities for physical activity.
• Promote relaxation techniques like deep breathing.
• Encourage journaling.
• Actively listen to them.
• Ensure a balanced home life.

In short, do what you can to create a supportive environment where your teen is comfortable expressing their feelings.

Conclusion

Patience, persistence, and making positive connections with your teen go a long way in building a trusting relationship.

The Importance of Patience and Persistence

Aging out of childhood into the teen years with adulthood in your future is daunting. Patience is the cornerstone of parenting your teen. Being mindful that teenage angst is temporary and keeping your sights on the long term can help you maintain your stance and patience as a parent.

Rebuilding Trust and Connection Over Time

You can rebuild a connection and reestablish trust over time by implementing the tips and suggestions in this article, such as active listening, empathizing, and exercising patience with your teen.

Celebrating Small Wins in Your Relationship

Even during troubling times, it is important to celebrate small wins. Doing so helps with goal setting, prioritizing, and creating a sense of purpose. 

When Handspring Might Be Right for You and Your Team

You may come to a point where you know it is time to seek professional help to improve your relationship with your teen. When you do, Handspring is here to help. We provide practical, effective skills and tools to help families improve their relationships in a positive environment. Book a free online consultation to learn more about how our professional therapists can help you and your teen.

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